Director: Peter Hyams
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney, Kevin Pollak, Rod Steiger, CCH Pounder, Derrick O'Connor, Udo Kier.
It was a scorching summer day...I should have been outside swimming or basking in the warmth of the sun...but no, I chose to stay indoors in order to watch End of Days for the second time so I can properly review it. The things I do for you readers...
Watching this movie for the second time has brought back some painful memories so ladies and gentlemen, I have chosen to reminisce the past and reveal to you all some hidden mental scars. It has been way over a year now since I first saw End of Days on the big screen. As you probably know (if not, well now you know), I am one of Arnold’s loyal fans. He may not be a terrific actor, but he knows action. So I try to see any of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s newest flicks the moment they are playing in theaters. Around November 1999 on a sunny Friday afternoon, as soon as school was over, I immediately drove down to a local movie theater to check out End of Days. At that time, I was very ecstatic, hoping that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be back in business and better than ever...
Two hours and several minutes later, I left the theater, feeling utterly disgusted at how contemptible and lamentable this movie turned out to be. End of Days is basically an over-the-counter horror/action hybrid that is done without any panache. This film relies solely on cheap scares, graphic violence (including a crucifixion of course), and melodramatic performances. Did I forget to mention that this film also tries to exploit people’s fears of Y2K (exhibited in the probable rebirth of EVIL after the end of 1999)? Anyway, allow me to exorcise the demon known as End of Days.
The (Barely Discernible) Plot
Jericho Cane (Our man Arnold) is an ex-cop who lost his family...and his faith in life itself. He is understandably depressed and suicidal. Angry at what the world has done to him, Cane puts a gun to his head, hoping to end it all. (Does this sound familiar or what?) Before he could pull the trigger though, his wisecracking amigo, Chicago (the surprisingly not-too-repellent Kevin Pollak) arrives and Cane quickly changes his mind. These two fellows work as security agents or something along those lines. Their assignment is to protect a Wall Street “scumbag” (played by none other than Gabriel Byrne).
Both Cane and Chicago manage to thwart an assassination attempt on the scumbag by a tongue-less priest named Thomas Aquinas (Derrick O’Connor)...but it is only the beginning. Little do these security people realize that the said Wall Street scumbag is possessed by none other than the Devil himself. You see, it is near the end of 1999 (Get it...666? Or how about...999, as in 1 + 999 = 1999? Okay, I will just shut up.), and according to zealots everywhere, the end of a millennium is about to take place, hence the “End of Days.” Every one thousand years or so (preferably before the end of a millennium), Satan himself decides that it is time for him to unleash his reign of terror towards the world. However, in order for him to achieve his malevolent goal, he must first possess some random human being and then impregnate a girl named Christine York (Robin Tunney) who—as shown from her birth in the beginning—has a distinguishing mark which is much more significant than some birthmark. For some reason, Satan has to impregnate her one hour before midnight on New Year’s Eve 1999.
A couple of nights before New Year’s Eve, Satan (in the form of a cloaking winged beast) suddenly leaped out of the sewers and decided to arbitrarily possess Gabriel Byrne’s character. Why did Satan choose to possess some investment banker? Sorry, I do not know. To show that Satan has indeed possessed this guy, he kisses a woman and then suddenly, makes a restaurant explode in a fiery fury. It was a pretty cool scene, but what the hell was the point of that? Gratuitous violence and destruction, baby! Meanwhile, we must assume Christine York has clairvoyant-like powers because she has some strange visions of Satan. As the oblivious Cane learns more about the truth, he must find her before Satan does...
The ultimate manifestation of pure evil has cometh and only a disgraced and alcoholic security guy played by an actor who is obviously not fit for this role must save the world. Heaven, please help us...
Why I Hated “End of Days.”
I have always wanted to write a review of this movie ever since late 1999, but I had never had the chance until recently. In the process, I have restrained myself for too long. Now is the time to tell it all, to get what I wanted to say about End of Days off my mind. This movie is HORRIBLE. I am pretty much ashamed to see a fairly worshipped action hero find himself stuck in a movie with a tiresome premise, a lethargic script, and utter hokum which will drive you off the wall.
If your idea of entertainment is seeing an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger get mauled by a bunch of hypnotized New Yorkers, then you might find some amusement here. Or if you do not mind watching Arnold get into a tussle with gun-wielding or knife-wielding folks from the nearby Catholic Church, then you may enjoy the inanity which permeates in End of Days. Otherwise, just run fast and far...you deserve to see a better flick than this.
Performances
Let us just say that Arnold has had much better Days in his career. There are a number of adjectives I could use to truthfully describe how woefully inept Arnold was playing an ordinary Joe with frailties. Before I do though, let me recall a time when I watched an episode of “Total Request Live” on MTV back in late 1999 where Arnold Schwarzengger was a guest. Schwarzenegger was promoting his newest film, End of Days back then, and he talked about how he enjoyed playing a character who was outside his comfort zone. Supposedly, fans were to accept him as—somewhere along the lines of—a vulnerable and flawed soul.
You can argue that End of Days is different from the typical Schwarzenegger vehicle because he supposedly plays an Everyman who is morally ambiguous. Unfortunately, as a “personality actor,” he lacks the finesse to play somebody who does not match his personality or character. The trick to acting is pretending to be someone else, but no , Arnold had to act like Arnold instead of Jericho Cane. To prove my point, there is one scene in End of Days where the Devil promises our hero that he (Cane) will have his deceased family back if he divulges the whereabouts of Christine York. During that moment, I hoped to see Arnold fulfill his promise of delivering a decent performance, but like the Hindenburg, everything went to hell when he ends up taunting Satan, calling him a “choir boy.” If you ask me, I doubt that most characters would dare to taunt the Devil, but hey, Schwarzenegger just has to be himself.
I acknowledge the notion that Arnold does try to add a touch of humanity to his character Jericho Cane, but frankly, he does not do a very competent job. His performance here tries to transcend beyond his stereotypical cartoon-like action hero, but unfortunately, he fails to do so. We still see him as Arnold Schwarzenegger, the muscle-bound hero rather than a believable real-life person whom the audience can relate to.
The rest of the performances were passable if unexceptional. Kevin Pollak’s supporting performance was adequate. Not great mind you, but at least this actor felt comfortable as Cane’s wisecracking side-kick. Gabriel Byrne is obviously hamming it up as the humanly demonic Satan. At least he looks like he is enjoying himself. Robin Tunney does not do much in this movie but she does get to experience some frighteningly perverse “dreams” of Satan. She also screams a lot. Udo Kier (best known for his starring roles in Andy Warhol’s Dracula and Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein ) is completely wasted. Rod Steiger has a thankless role as Father Kovak who tries to make some sense out of the senseless. Of course in the process, he makes audiences roll their eyes into the back of their heads. Rod Steiger is about as competent as Schwarzenegger is versatile.
More Reasons Why I Hated “End of Days.”
I hate End of Days more than you can imagine. How so? I found almost nothing redeemable about this movie. Everything in End of Days went wrong from the uninspiring performances to the stupid premise, the illogical concept, and the flat direction. Besides, if you are looking for a mesmerizing horror flick, this is not it. Scares are minimal and the horror elements are perfunctory. This is an eighty percent Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, twenty percent standard “it’s the end of the world” flick with Biblical overtones. Even without the appearance of Arnold, this project was doomed from the start thanks to the premise itself which is older than molded cheese and a script that makes logic seem like a luxury.
The film’s premise is hastily glued together from several well-known movie clichés. It eclectically steals from such sources as The Omen (evil manifested in human form) and The Exorcist (the possession of an innocent person by a demonic force) to Rosemary’s Baby (come on now, I think we all know this one), and The Devil’s Advocate (the Devil himself thinks that he knows how to strike a bargain. Also, the idea of a humanized Devil who uses his charms to seduce the good guy.). Even the aimless dialogue—consisting mostly of repetitive statements about God, having faith in this divine figure, and the seductive forces of evil—is obviously recycled from a bunch of other movies with a theological concept. The only truly interesting plot device I could think of is when some factions of the Catholic Church wanted to sacrifice Christine for the greater good of mankind, but this device is underutilized at best.
Unfortunately, this film is not really Y2K compatible. As mentioned earlier, End of Days has tried to tap into people’s fears of a *probable* (and by probable, I mean no way dude) disaster which may occur after the start of 2000 thanks to the over-hyped Y2K bug. Looking at it in retrospect, I supposed the filmmakers tried too hard to appeal to those paranoid individuals who believe all the hoopla about “the end is near.”
Where is the logic? For starters, the astute viewer will realize that if the Devil had to impregnate the woman within the final hour before the beginning of the new official millennium, he would have to do so on December 31, 2000, not during 1999 (but you should already know that, it is basic knowledge). Also, Satan himself apparently has superpowers beyond anyone’s imagination. He can hypnotize people and use them as slaves, or he can demolish stuff at will. Hell, Satan can even use gasoline urine as a potent weapon. However, why does Satan have so much trouble finding one woman...and why does he need to coerce Jericho Cane to help him find her?
One of my favorite moments in this movie (I am being sarcastic here) is when Cane and Chicago investigate what the “Christ in New York” message—appropriately carved on a dead priest’s chest—means. Out of the blue, Cane surmises a bunch of names synonymous with that message, and guess what? He mentions the name “Christine York” and presto, after checking a bunch of recorded files, he finds out that he was correct in guessing the name of the girl he needs to protect. This is not lucky deductive reasoning; this seems more like a deus ex machina device devised on the behalf of the lazy screenwriters. Anyway, I do not mind having to suspend my disbelief in order to enjoy a movie. However, having to suspend my disbelief just to make my viewing experience more bearable is a completely different story. Just keep repeating to yourself, “I need to suspend my disbelief! There is no such a thing as logic in this movie!” Maybe, just maybe it will help you...
Action?
One of the questions I always ask myself when evaluating an action movie is, “Are the action scenes thoughtfully executed and tightly orchestrated?” In this case...not at all. End of Days is loud, dumb, and crazy, but where is the fun? Yes, we do get to see Arnold dangling on a helicopter rope while trying to capture the gun-running priest. We also get to watch Arnold nearly get his butt kicked by an old lady. However, where is the excitement? With the exception of an admittedly cool train chase scene—which results in, of course, a collision—at the end, the action sequences do not give you the feeling of an intense rush. The action scenes lack verve. Rather, you get the impression that director Peter Hyams did not take pride in directing the action scenes. He seemed more content on telling the actors this: “Okay guys, you know the drill. Just shoot at each other or whatever.” The editing and apathetic camerawork do not help either. A boring movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger seems like an improbable task, but Hyams has managed to accomplish this task, like it or not.
Errata
Right now, I will try to organize my remaining thoughts about End of Days. Basically, this film does have a few “out of the ordinary” moments which may capture your attention span. For instance, one of the few *highlights* in this movie has to be the ménage à trois between Satan, and two other women. There is also a pathetic attempt at eliciting cheap shocks when some dude approaches Christine before shattering like delicate porcelain. Both of these incidents happen to be part of Christine’s visions. While they do provide some visual spice, they ultimately provide no insight into the film’s plot or Christine’s character development.
End of Days cost a reported $83 million. I cannot imagine for the life of me how much money these filmmakers have squandered. Yes, this film has lots of visual effects and stunts, but they look and feel so artificial. Furthermore, when the colossal CGI-monster is finally revealed at the end...it looks like a Godzilla reject. Honestly, rarely have I seen such an expensive looking piece of disaster. It is safe to say that Hyams spends so much time concentrating on style that he forgets to add substance. The film tries to look flashy with special effects and all sorts of nonsense, but deep inside, End of Days is an ugly duckling.
Did you know that the Catholic Church also employed killers? Neither did I. The mockery of the Catholic Church is sure to offend a few people. I am not sure if this was intended as satire or social commentary, but I do know that while the conflict between divisions of the Catholic Church is intriguing, the filmmakers really did not bother to explore much on this idea.
Just Give Me One Good Reason Why I Should Recommend “End of Days”...
What can I say? Well, this is a pitiful try at making a horror film or an action flick. End of Days stinks worse than my dirty laundry. Even if I were to overlook all of this film’s considerable flaws and regard it as an “absurd but still entertaining joyride,” it simply does not work. It lacks the goofy appeal of a guilty pleasure and the flavor of a jaw-dropping thriller. End of Days is simply an unpleasant film with a way-too-dark tone. Granted, this film does have its comic moments, but for the most part, we are supposed to treat this film very seriously.
Looks like the verdict is in: End of Days is guilty of being a bombastic, exploitative piece of junk that is neither enlivening nor enjoyable to watch. Instead, it leaves you feeling all sordid inside. If you want your IQ to drop at an astonishing rate, then go ahead and see End of Days. If you want to save your brain cells, save yourself from the agony!
At best, End of Days is a misguided attempt to revitalize what is left of the corpse known as Arnold’s movie career. One has to wonder what Arnold was thinking when he signed up for this project. Was he really that desperate to make a comeback? Sadly, take a look at Arnold’s more recent resume: a vapid children’s comedy (Jingle All the Way), a way-too-silly comic book movie (Batman & Robin), and now this. Yes, The 6th Day was passable, but it is not nearly enough to wipe off the blemishes on Arnold’s career. Will Arnold be able to save his career after appearing in this movie? Or will this truly mark the End of his Days? Only time will tell...
RATING: NO STARS out of ****.