Director: Demian Lichtenstein
Cast: Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courteney Cox, Christian Slater, Kevin Pollak, David Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Howie Long, Thomas Haden Church, Bokeem Woodbine, Ice-T.
Imagine a film which combines the elements of Ocean’s 11 with Reservoir Dogs. Quentin Tarentino would serve as the producer while the director is an apprentice of Jerry Bruckeimer. Well, 3,000 Miles to Graceland isn’t quite it, though you can’t blame the filmmakers for trying (or maybe you can). Anyway, this was another one of those movies that I’ve never really bothered to check out until I was drawn in by the really cool trailer. After viewing the trailer, I was expecting this film to be a kick-ass action thriller. And with a cast that includes such players as Kurt Russell, Courteney Cox, Christian Slater, David Arquette, and more, I would expect this film to have a sense of humor about itself, especially since it has such an outrageous premise.
Well, I was dead wrong. Yes, 3,000 Miles to Graceland contains plenty of violence and inane humor, yet nothing works right. Rarely have I seen a film devoid of heart, passion, and enthusiasm. You would think that the cast and crew were making a movie like this as a labor of love, but as I watched this flick, I had this intuitive feeling that like me, nobody involved was having a good time.
The (Contrived) Plot
I normally do not talk in great detail about the film’s opening credits sequence, but this is one worth discussing about. In a scorching desert near Las Vegas, Nevada, two CGI-generated metallic scorpions are fighting claw to claw. With their glowing eyes and rigid movement, these scorpions are clearly the finest example of CGI special effects that money can buy. The only problem is its absurdity; the more I think about it, the more I realize how ridiculous those two scorpions look. The film then intercuts to a fire-engine red, 1959 Cadillac Coupe de Ville speeding down a highway. By watching the opening credits alone, you can sense that director Demian Lichtenstein is more interested in flashy style and show-off theatrics than substance.
The red Cadillac makes a stop at a motel. Stepping out of this vehicle is a man named Michael Zane (Kurt Russell, Escape from New York). Fresh out of prison, this Jersey City, NJ native has traveled 3,000 miles to Vegas to attend International Elvis Week. But there is more to that...
While making a stop, he meets a young mother named Cybil Waingrow (Courteney Cox, Scream trilogy), and her delinquent son, Jesse (David Kaye). And let me yell you, this kid is a brat; he’s every parent’s worst nightmare. More on that later. Anyway, Zane and Cybil hit it off right away and before you can say, "it must be love at first sight", the two are making love in her bed. At least they are practicing safe sex because Cybil isn’t naked at all. In fact, there are two sex scenes in this movie, and Cybil isn’t nude in either of them.
Enter Murphy (Kevin Costner, Waterworld), an evil and menacing criminal extraordinaire. And you know he is evil and menacing because he drives a vintage black convertible and has an icon of a scorpion emblazoned on his belt. Someone who knew Murphy describes him as, "...a real crazy motherfucker... Some creepy, freaky level 9 type shit. Just dark. Kind that’s liable to shove a little snake up the coochies of women. Yeah, you better watch out for that one. Wherever he goes, trouble bound to follow." Murphy and Zane rendezvous outside the motel and along with fellow co-conspirators Hanson (Christian Slater), Gus (David Arquette, wife of Courteney Cox), Franklin (Bokeem Woodbine), and pilot Jack (former NFL player and current TV commentator Howie Long) these six are about to make a splash at Sin City by masterminding a perfectly elaborate heist. Dressed up as sassy Elvis impersonators (except Jack), they intend to break into the Rivera Hotel and Casino during Elvis International Week, nullify their security, and steal their money. Why? Because according to Zane, everybody else robs banks.
The casino robbery is performed rather successfully (amid plenty of shooting, violence, and general pandemonium), but not without its casualties. Naturally, the black Elvis impersonator, Franklin, dies first from a gunshot wound to the head. This is one of the golden clichés of movies, the minority character dying first. I don’t make up the rules; I just make the observations. The remaining Elvis impersonators barely escape from the relentless pursuit of cops and security guards. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building...with $3.2 million in stolen cash...leaving behind a plethora of dead bodies.
As expected, there is internal strife among the robbers over how to split the stolen money. Hanson apparently wants more than his share of the stolen dough. Infuriated over his disagreement with Murphy, Hanson sarcastically tells him off by saying, "Sometimes I actually think you believe you’re the King himself. What is it with those sideburns? I glued mine on for the job." Apparently offended by Hanson’s comments, Murphy promptly shoots him dead by pumping two bullets into him. This leads to more trouble and Zane wants out. He then takes much of the $3.2 million and decides to run away—reluctantly taking Cybil and Jesse with him on a wild road trip. Unfortunately, the money is marked, and the police plus several federal marshal agents are right on their trail...
Meanwhile, Murphy too is in hot pursuit of Zane and Cybil. Murphy will do whatever it takes to get what is "rightfully" his, and you better believe he wants his money!
Cast
This film has one of the greatest casts ever assembled for an action picture. In addition to the actors already mentioned, there are also appearances by Kevin Pollak ( End of Days) as Federal Marshall Damitry, comedian Jon Lovitz as money launderer Jay Peterson, and rapper Ice-T as bad-ass Hamilton. So what the hell are they doing here? If you can answer this million dollar question, then you should be working for Hollywood.
Sadly, the main cast is, for the most part, sub-par while the supporting cast is completely wasted. First of, let me talk about the film’s "star", Kevin Costner (Kurt Russell’s performance evaluation will come later). If you thought he could not sink any lower (*cough, cough* Waterworld, The Postman), then you are mistaken. Okay, I’ll give him credit for trying to restrain himself, but his villainous performance is just too understated—and ineffective. Costner is just not at all convincing as the main villain. His costume makes more of an impression than his acting. Despite sporting some killer sideburns and a funky dark wardrobe, Costner just looks embarrassed and uncomfortable. At least I have to give Kevin Costner credit for swallowing his (shallow) pride by trying to portray a baddie with little inhibitions.
Courteney Cox is very attractive as single mother Cybil, but she is just too damn aggravating. David Kaye is rather repellant as Cybil’s naughty son. He is like the little brother who constantly ticks you off until you have to explode. Allegedly, we the audience, are suppose to empathize with them, but they just love to get on everyone’s nerves. Only Kurt Russell (who actually portrayed the King himself in a made-for-TV movie, appropriately named Elvis) manages to actually be pretty decent as the good Elvis impersonator. At least he hits the right notes when he sings as Elvis.
None of the supporting cast members do anything memorable, though they do the best they could in their limited roles. Ice-T in particular showed why he is ambidextrous with guns and David Arquette seems to be one of the very few actors who realized how absurd the script is in the first place. So he decides to let it all out and not take his role seriously at all (without being too much of a jackass).
Action
Well, the good news is that 3,000 Miles to Graceland does have its share of action sequences. The bad news is that they are few and far in between. The director himself uses every trick in the manual—including slow-motion, fast-motion, cross cutting, and hyper-kinetic, rapid fire editing—in an attempt to keep this film moving at a frenetic pace. While he does know how to create chaos, he can’t quite generate excitement. Take for example the shootout-cum-massacre inside the crowded casino lobby of the Rivera. It’s definitely action-packed. Endless rounds of bullets are fired, plenty of glass is broken, and bodies fly as array of bullets hits them. With M-16s and shotguns, Murphy and these Elvis bad dudes are armed to the teeth! However, something is lacking: momentum.
Potential momentum is ruined when the action intercuts to an Elvis impersonator show on stage, complete with dancing, scantily clad girls. The film then jumps back to the action, and then to the Elvis revue, and so forth. Quite frankly, this is one of the most ludicrous examples of intercutting I have ever seen. I think the director should’ve focused solely on the shoot-out and the ensuing mayhem instead of trying to interweave an unrelated dance number into this action sequence. Action sequences like this are guaranteed to induce migraines and/or seizures.
For a film which purports to be a "...volatile, heat-seeking missile of an action thriller", there is surprisingly little blood-pumping action. There is a Western-style showdown between Murphy and a cop, and of course, the climactic shoot-as-many-cops-as-possible gunfight, but neither action scene garners much interest. In the latter, we do get to see some two-fisted gun action as Ice-T—hanging upside down like a bat—mows down numerous cops and federal agents, plus some cool explosions, but it’s all trite. Overall, the action scenes are a vast disappointment. While the filmmakers do have the necessary ingredients, they don’t know how to mix the right concoction.
Errata
Not only does 3,000 Miles to Graceland fail in the action department, the abysmal comedy also completely falters. The humor is downright awful and even forced at times. I should not have to compel myself to laugh; it should occur naturally. If four letter f-words, boob talk, and fart jokes are your ideas of amusement...watch "South Park" instead. Oh, and I did mention that the dialogue is beyond wretched? You know you are in trouble when the film’s wittiest dialogue consists of such lines as, "What’s the smartest thing ever come out of a bitch’s mouth?" "Einstein’s cock!"
Another problem is that most of the characters are not even remotely likable because they lack redeeming values. Come to think of it, the kid himself is one of the most obnoxious punks. He smokes, talks back to strangers, and steals auto parts and money from unsuspecting "customers". (In one scene, he actually steals Zane’s wallet while Zane is having sex with Cybil.) Jesse obviously has had some bad role models (ahem). His mother, Cybil, was nothing more than a slut, an unlikable one at that. The only character I found myself sort of rooting for was Michael Zane, the obligatory criminal with somewhat of a conscience—he’s the only guy in the group who doesn’t kill innocent people. Zane is supposedly the nice, albeit cynical guy who’s been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Even so, he is essentially a con who seemed to have no regrets in his involvement with the casino robbery in the first place. (As a random thought, isn’t Zane’s cynical attitude identical to those of Snake Plissken in Escape from New York and Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China?)
While the plot itself is rather routine and formulaic, there are a number of strange twists and occurrences that just don’t make sense. In one instance, Cybil inexplicably decides to just drive away for no discernible reason, taking Zane’s money and leaving behind her son. Okay...so what kind of mother is she? And no, her one sentence explanation does not justify anything. There is also another plot twist which reveals that Murphy may be the illegitimate son of Elvis Presley, but honestly, does anybody care?
Man, What a Disgrace...
Tawdry fun? Hell no, this movie is just plain tawdry. Granted, nobody expects 3,000 Miles to Graceland to be high art, but it should at least strive to have some entertainment value. It can be stupid as hell, but you should have some fun watching it. I didn’t.
3,000 Miles to Graceland tries to please different audiences by being three different genres: a dark comedy, a slick hardcore action thriller, and eventually a road trip picture with the action shifting from Las Vegas to Boise, Idaho, to Seattle. Unfortunately, it fails on all counts. Without finding the right audience, 3,000 Miles to Graceland ultimately bombs out.
This is a totally mean-spirited and unpleasant film which tries too hard to imitate the aesthetic mayhem of John Woo, and the mordant humor of Quentin Tarentino. But director Lichtenstein doesn’t put any heart into this movie and it shows. The only people who should watch this movie are those who harbor resentment against Kevin Costner and want to see him look foolish as an Elvis look-alike. Everybody else should stay far, far away. 3,000 Miles to Graceland is arguably one of the worst movies I have seen in quite a while, an "honor" it rightfully deserves.
Is there anything GOOD to say about this movie? Well, if you somehow manage to watch the entire movie through, be sure to stay for the end credits—they are much more entertaining than the film itself.
There is a reason why I watch these movies: so you don’t have to.
TRIVIA: There was a conflict of interest between the two stars of 3,000 Miles to Graceland. Reportedly, Kurt Russell wanted this film to have more of a tongue-in-cheek tone and focus on developing the relationship between Cybil and Zane. Meanwhile, Kevin Costner wanted this film to be more of a straight out action movie. Maybe this explains this whole mess. (Information found on the Internet Movie Database.)
RATING: NO STARS out of ****.